All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on- Henry Ellis

Here is a picture of my er ge when he was in NYC last year in Feb. He was trying to take a picture with this statue using a timer shot haha. So cute right?

I wish he was here.

Revision for me has been painfully slow and arduous. I had a terrible gastric/back ache on Tuesday, and i couldn't sit straight or bear with the pain and discomfort despite my insistence to stay for urban sociology lecture. Couldn't stay and finish hearing what Prof Ho had to say! DAMN. I don't trust secondary sources, and i am angry with myself that i should have just stayed and hear what Prof had to say for the last lecture.

So i left the lt and tried to get a cab but i was too weak to stand. Feeling really dizzy and nauseatic, i decided to seek help from my friends at school while i go to the clubroom and rest. J and gang came and he sent me back home and got me fishball soup for lunch. I felt much better being at home and dressed comfortably, and chatted with him for a while before dad came home. Then i went to get some rest and boy, that was the start of my nightmare.

I honestly thought that i would recover after sleeping, and then i could go to The Script's concert at fort canning park later in the evening. But man, i developed a super bad fever. My whole body ached while the virus ravaged my system, making me drift in and out of consciousness. I couldn't get myself up to drink water.

Then mum came home and asked if i was okay, and i didnt have the strength to answer her much. So it was dinner time and they asked me to go downstairs for dinner but all i wanna do is just to lie in bed. But i dragged myself out and i was so feverish and unwell i feel as if my back is going to snap into half. I was having a really really bad back ache.

I couldn't eat but a few morsels of porridge and some spicy bamboo shoots. I felt so uncomfortable that i then left the dining table to lie down at the sofa. And all this time it was raining really heavily. So my parents dragged me to see a doctor at around 8 plus.

LOOOOOONG WAIT.

Anyway, the doctor told me that i might have "suspected dengue". I was like "WHAT!?!" He said my symptoms are uncannily similar to pre-dengue stages, and that i should take my medicine and see if things improve. If not, then i have to come back for a blood test already.

Seriously, i thought a bomb had dropped into my world. DENGUE??! How could i have dengue? As delirious as i was, the last thing i want is to have dengue happen to me because my exams are coming.

As it turns out, it was a scare after all.

So here i am, whining about my lack of motivation to study for the upcoming exams. I don't know what is wrong with me, but my sense of confidence and independence has dissipated quite a bit this semester. The usual confidence that i have in myself waned, and i feel very scared in doing a lot of things. I find life sometimes meaningless too, and i wonder what is the point in striving so hard for. I lose myself over social media and the internet sometimes, hoping to escape into someone else's world so that i can have less troubles and pains. I day dream about all the other possibilities and escape routes, but things that i would never be able to do. Silly me huh?

I can totally predict how things will look like this semester, and strangely i find myself letting go. I don't want to drown, but i don't want to swim. It's like i wish someone would just dive down and rescue me or just throw me a life buoy.

Just saw er ge's friend's post on his facebook wall, saying how she thought he was still around. I teared looking at that post, because just like her, i always feel that er ge is still around, and he is just like any other day, sitting around at home playing his games.

Lim Hon Yee John.

This name is a name that i have known for the past 22 years of my life, and i am proud to have him as my brother and that i am his baby sister. Everytime i open the letter box, i will help my family members sort out the letters and then i usually place them at the stair case or leave on their respective tables. So when i get my er ge's letters i will put them on his keyboard so that he will be able to read them.

Even till now, i feel that he is not dead. Words like "passed away", "died", "dead", "car accident", "autopsy" hit me real hard. And flashbacks of him in the morgue, his body all cold and hard, scratches, that deadly blow to his skull, his face all serene like how i recall. I cannot help but keep imagining what must have gone through his mind when his car went out of control. He must be so regretful and afraid, and "oh shit". He never wanted this to happen, but there is no second chance for him anymore.

Why is life so unfair towards him? He has finally graduated after trying to hard, and gotten a great job with CS. His life was just about to begin, and heaven had to take him away. He didn't even had a chance to fight for his life, because that blow to his head killed him.

I am sure he must have felt a lot of pain. Even if it is for a split second, the pain must have been so excruciating, so painful because it was such a massive hit. And there he was, splashed with mud as his car hit the divider and went down the drain. It must have been really really cold and wet. And horrible people who took advantage of the situation, and caused information and critical seconds lost.

I cannot forgive myself everytime i think about this. Images of his dead body haunt me, because i felt that i didnt do anything for my er ge. He loved me so much, but i didnt do anything for him. And i am crying as i type this entry in the school library, and the last thing i want is for someone to see me like this.

No, i cannot get over this emotional flashbacks, where i remember how it's like to be at the morgue, looking at him, touching his ice cold hand and face. The kind of anguish and pain i felt was really beyond words. I have never cried so hard and felt so sorrowful. I don't even know how to adequately describe my feelings.

I just want my er ge back. Even if he was crippled or a vegetable, i would want to spend the last moments of his life together with him. I wasn't even there by his side when he breathed his last. I wasn't there! What was i doing?! I was having fun with my friends! I didn't know anything despite him caring so much for me, always making sure that i had enough money when i was on sep, flying all the way from singapore to montreal so that i wouldn't be lonely for CNY, feeling so sick but kept quiet because he didn't want to upset the day trip to quebec.

Sometimes i wonder why, why do things happen the way they did. Did my er ge die for some reason?? Why not let him be a vegetable or cripple? At least we will still have him with us right? Why let him die so fast, without us even seeing his last?

And my memories are really strong, especially the morning that he left for KL. I had no idea why i couldn't sleep, and i stayed up watching TV till 3am. Then i decided to head upstairs and sleep, and that was when er ge woke up and was getting ready to head out. In the dim orange light of his room, i asked him where is he going, and he said he was going on a day trip to KL with his friends. He didnt want me to ask too much, that i was too naggy or what. So i told him to take care and be careful, and i went to lie in my bed. My brothers talked to each other for a while, while i lay in bed listening to their conversation. Then my er ge switched off the light and went downstairs, and i still remember his shadow as he walked out of his room, past my room and down the stairs. I wanted to get up and tell him to drive safely, but i didnt. And that was the last i saw of him.

Sometimes i wonder if er ge came back to find us at all. In his other form/spirit/soul. In movies, the soul of the dead always comes back to take a look at his family and loved ones before moving on. I always wonder if he came home on the night he died, just that i didn't have the mind to notice anything extraordinary. Or maybe he was there at a corner in the morgue, looking at us coming to pick him up.

I really miss my er ge so so so so much. I don't know what i can do to ease the pain, to aid myself in becoming a stronger person. I know he wants me to do well for my studies, to not be as lazy as he was in his uni days. But sometimes, i feel like giving up. I wonder what meaning is there in studying so hard now that er ge is gone. I know that that should not be a reason to justify my slackness. But i feel so different from before. I feel very very despondent at times, without a goal. I hate to behave and feel this way, and i need to get out of this limbo.

Er ge, Shuli misses you a lot, do you know? Shuli really wishes for you to come back, to scold her, chat with her, jog with her during evenings, show her really cool videos, take her for a spin in your car, she really wants to buy more koi and chicken wings for you. Shuli really misses you.